Managing the "transformation"

What an amazing weekend I've had!  It started on Thursday evening with dinner/drinks at Club Soda with friends.  Friday was low key (ok, so I was in bed early thanks to the night before) & Saturday was an amazing night at the Puttin on the Ritz fundraiser.  I haven't had that much fun in quite a while.  What an awesome night!  I put my sabatical from drinking on hold & kicked up my heels to celebrate.  I admit, today's workout was a tough one but it was worth it given the fun I had all weekend.  I guess you really have to pay to play sometimes. 

As a super social person, I'm often out with a variety of friends & am frequently being introduced to new fun people.  I love meeting new people & so appreciate how eclectic my circle of friends is.  People have always been warm and welcoming to me probably in part due to the fact that my personality sort of takes over.  Even if someone's uncertain about me, I tend to just assume they love me until they say otherwise.  Doesn't leave much room for dislike unless you really have reason to do so.  The funny thing is that lately I've been asking myself why people are being friendly or taking interest in me.  I find myself actually wondering if they would have taken interest 35 pounds ago.  Would they be as friendly?  as flirty? as fun? 

Let me say up front that I know how silly this thought process is but yet I seem to have these thoughts anyway.    I'm a pretty smart girl with loads of common sense & yet these thoughts are still creeping in.  Since I'm not one to keep my crazy thoughts to myself, I've confided in a couple of close friends.  My BFF says she saw this coming & is not surprised by it.  Her take is that I need to get these thoughts under control before they become something I can't control.  She's right.  My friend Steve is on the same page reminding me that I could make myself officially crazy if I let these thoughts continue.  Then there was Teresa's take on the whole thing that I found surprising.  I have changed.  Hmmm...that's an interesting thought.  Maybe people are different because this journey really is changing me. 

I need to point out the Teresa's on that short list of friends that can tell me things I don't want to hear & I listen because I know they're said out of love.  She pointed out to me that I've changed because I've let down the wall I've been putting up for all these years.  Wall???  I have a wall???  I'm the friendliest person I know!  She also tells me I'm getting softer (in personality that is).  Was I hard to begin with??? It's taken me a couple of days to even process this information.  Now that I've had time to think about it, she's right.  It hurt to hear that, but she's right.  I was so busy proving myself to others and to me that I probably was coming off a little hard.  Now that I'm focused on doing what is right for my health, listening to my body, and taking care of me inside & out, I am softer & more approachable.  Its still hard not to wonder if the weight was a barrier for some people.  However, the truth is that I have probably been the one that put the barrier there not the other people.  Some how it has been a "cushion" between anything negative people my think about me & how much that could hurt.  It's been my "go to" thing to blame.  If someone didn't like me or didn't ask me out or didn't treat me a certain way it was easy to blame the weight.  I'd say they just dont like me because I'm heavy even if they dont realize it.  Funny thing when you realize it probably had a lot more to do with the hard shell I presented than it did what the scale said.  That's an eye opener for sure.

 Brenda & Steve are right, I have to keep this in check or I'll make myself crazy throughout my journey.  So each day I'm reminding myself of the good I've done for myself and for those around me by working as hard as it takes to walk 60 miles.  I'm choosing not to believe anyone is so shallow as to just look at one attribute.  I'm choosing to believe instead that people are getting to know me for me.  Maybe the extra weight intimdated a few but I doubt it had much to do with it.  It all boils down to attitude & making a choice to be happy.  It's a journey I'm on and one I'm learning lots from!